Inside The Mind Of A Future Husband, Part 1
One thing I’ve noticed during this entire engagement process (in case you missed it, I am indeed getting married) is that, as the groom-to-be, I figure very little into the overall picture. That’s not to say that Renae is excluding me by any means, but rather, nearly every aspect of being engaged always seems to relate the most with the bride. This has been made evidently clear whenever we’ve gone to register for gifts. Looking through the paperwork and pamphlets, I was surprised to see that the word “groom” is rarely mentioned (if at all), whereas everything is “bridal” this and “bridal” that.
Now, this blog entry is not intended to be a screed against the wedding gift registration process (though I do have some bones to pick with the interfaces on some of those registries - but I’ll save that for another time). Nor is it meant to dish out all sorts of dirt on my engagement. (First of all, Renae would kill me, and second, being engaged is actually pretty cool.) Rather, what I’ve really found most interesting are the responses I get whenever I relate to someone the thoughts contained in the paragraph above.
Inevitably, someone will pull me aside - most often a man - and remind me that I need to get used to this. That it’s no longer about me, that I no longer matter. (If that’s the case, than why am I even getting married in the first place?) That married life is all about giving into the ol’ wife. That the three most important words are not “I love you” but rather “I’m sorry dear”.
Now, I realize that people are kidding when they tell me these things, and that the men who tell me this are great husbands and wonderful fathers. And I also realize that there’s a good chance that I’ll probably do the same at least once or twice in my life. However, it certainly does seem to be indicative of a trend that I’ve long noticed when people talk about marriage, and that is of the husband’s role essentially being reduced to playing the part of the Total F*cking Idiot.
(Nowhere is this better exemplified than in tepid, uninspired sitcoms such as Everybody Loves Raymond. You know, those insipid blocks of programming in which the husband is portrayed as a complete and utter tool - much to the annoyance of his smart, capable, and still-slender-even-after-bearing-eight-kids wife and to the amusement of the studio audience.)
And it’s really interesting that a lot of the men who tell me these things are strong Christian men. Is this some sort of attempt to deal with the Biblical concept of submitting to your wife, and the fact that we fail to carry it out so often? Is it an attempt to strike a subversive blow against the perceived threat of feminism? Is this some sort of guy code that I need to decipher in order to join The Husband Secret Society?
Yes, I know I’m probably making too much of these jokes that are all told in good fun, and I’m being somewhat sarcastic (big surprise). However, they have to start somewhere, and I wonder how many of these jokes are, if guys were really honest, actually somewhat passive-aggressive. That, or a way to divert attention from insecurities and fears (which is often the case with humor).
Part of me wonders if this “advice” would be more “applicable” if Renae and I were younger. However, we’re both in our late 20s/early 30s. We’re certainly not entirely prepared for marriage (is anyone really?), but we’re not exactly naive young pups either. We’ve both seen and experienced many relationships, some that have worked and some that have (spectacularly) failed. We’re both very aware of ourselves as individuals - our strengths, our weaknesses, and our roles in life.
If we were younger, say 21 or 22, chances are a lot more about our lives would be up in the air. We’d also probably be a lot more full of ourselves, and in need of some ribbing to take us down a peg or two.
I could very well be speaking out of my naivete right now, and I’m sure that if any older married folks are reading this, they’re probably shaking their heads and thinking “They’ve got so much to learn.“ Fair enough. However, that still leaves the question as to why those lame comments are so prevalent, especially in the religious circles that I travel.
I suppose I just find it a tad annoying that much of what I hear from men has very little to do with actually being a good husband that loves his wife sacrificially and honorably, and more to do with looking like a doofus in case I screw up in order to cover my ass.
Comments
Renae
March 22, 2005 10:13amYou’re going to love this. I just got a (spam) e-mail from “The Registry at Bloomingdales” with the subject line “Jason, Now is the time to create your Gift Registry!“ You better get on that, Groomy groom! ;)
Joseph Crossett
March 22, 2005 11:13amI read your site every once in a while but this post hit home. It was one of those FINALLY some one knows what the hell I am/was thinking. My wife and I have been married a year, I’m 26, she’s 25, and I got the same thing from married men and women who seem to have things “together” in their lives and marriages.
Throughout the whole engagement women and men were telling me about how it was all about the bride and not to worry, “it’s not that big of deal” when simple requests of mine were ignored by, particularly my wife’s mom. But that’s another story.
It is up to you to show your wife love and consideration and the desire for your wedding to have special meaning and represent the love you share, but it is also her responsibility to do the same. It’s your wedding too.
All that may have sounded bitter (I hope not), but I wanted to encourage you and say that no, you don’t have to get run over (that may be an extreme way to phrase it) to be a Godly husband/groom. Again it all comes down, as do so many thing, to sticking to the vision of why you are getting married and, above all else, communication with each other.
Your engagement is a small amount of time in the big picture, but it is one that can set a tone for the future.
As cliche as this sound, there’s not many things as fulfilling as a good marriage. Our first year togther has been wonderful and gone by so fast, but we did have issues that still pop up from the engagement even now. (My wife’s mother!Sorry) So it’s best to handle those issues now, you’ll both be glad you did.
Rev. Tobey Brockman (your pastor)
March 22, 2005 4:43pmGood observations and questions Jason. A thought to your question, “why those lame comments are so prevelant in the religious circles I travel?“
First, you will find in marriage that there will be a struggle, sometimes overt, mostly under the surfce, as to what your new identity is as a couple and who has the primary say as to what your identity is. For many folks having a healthy and right perspective as to who they are as individuals is a challenge. Bring two people together with unique life experiences, values, desires, and perspectives, join them in a “one flesh” relationship, and even the healthest of individuals find they face challenges understanding and embracing their new roles and new responsibilities. Add to this the fact that each of you is brining in extended families, each with family members that will have their own ideas of who you are, our should be as a couple and new part of the extended family system, (yes including mother-in-laws), and you can begin to sense why humor is needed to alleviate some of the turmoil and tension. Even among those of us who believe in Jesus Christ!
Humor, however, is not the foundation of our redemption. Humor has a place and can be good, but not if it never moves beyond “lame comments.“ In God’s grace and wisdom He can use even humor to help us examine why we feel so vulnerable, exposed, and neglected in our most intimate relationships. And as He takes us deeper in examining ourselves and our relationships, we find that He also provides the pattern of life along with the resources for life that enable us to face these challenges together.
The pattern is found in Jesus’ relationship to His people. Jesus is the Bridgroom who is wildly passionate about exalting and sharing His glory with His Bride. And we the people of God are His Bride, who are to live wildly passionate lives as we pursue our Bridegroom and experience our hearts being transformed by His love. That’s the pattern of marriage.
Jason, as Renae’s bridegroom pursue her with a wild passion that is wholeheartedly committed to Renae’s glory and good. Renae, as Jason’s bride, allow your heart to be transformed by Jason’s love for you. And when you both fail at this, which you will, remember the resource that God has provided. His Son, who laid down His life for you that you might know your need, and the Divine love that meets that need and showers you with abundant blessing well beyond all you could ask or imagine.
One of the great blessings of being in the ministry is the opportunity to visit with newly married couples and hear the joys and “surprising frustrations” that come with marriage. If you’re interested, as a wedding present to you and Renae, how about we get together every two months or so during your first year to hear what you’re learning as a couple. We can meet at your favorite pub and I’ll buy the pints. And if we find that you’ve hit a bump in the road, I’ll give you my make-up sex talk. It’s proven to be a blessing for several other couples in the congregation.
Keep thinking, love passionately, and welcome to the club.
Jason
March 22, 2005 5:20pmThanks for the insights and encouragement, Tobey. I sometimes forget that our (upcoming) marriage isn’t just composed of Renae and I. And yes, sometimes humor is definitely necessary to survive family “stuff”.
I must admit to often struggling with seeing the “religious” aspects of marriage (so thanks again for your thoughts). I think that we as Christians hear so much about it all - how marriage is a holy institution, a mirror of the relationship within the Trinity, etc. - that we know them intellectually. However, it’s more difficult to know what those things mean on an experiential basis because they’re so couched in Christian-ese. Of course, that’s a pretty common thread to any aspect of Christian living. It just seems more prevalent as I look at marriage, since that’s on my mind a lot (for obvious reasons).
It’s easy to get bogged down in the details - florists, photographers, reception places, caterers, colors, etc. - that it’s very easy (for me at least) to become completely pragmatic about the whole thing. Such that when I take a step back and try to get a bigger picture, I still see the details and not the bigger picture. As such, the idea of a Divine love “that meets that need and showers you with abundant blessing well beyond all you could ask or imagine” is an encouraging thought.
Hmmm… “make-up sex talk”, eh? Intriguing…